Phantasmagoria of Team Fortress
by Recurring.Decimals
Summary: After a freak accident with the teleporter, the team gets sucked into the land of Gensokyo. However, once they enter, it seems there's no way to get out... (Default picture in use until I can stop being lazy and actually design something...)
1. Chapter 1

_After her two-month long hibernation period, the OkamiNekoKitsune wakes up. Still slightly drowsy from her sleep, she forgets that she has other stories to update, and begins to write a new story. When she finally realises, she shrugs, and continues writing the new one._

 _And here it is! It's not Pokémon, but a Touhou X Team Fortress 2 fanfiction!_

 **Phantasmagoria of Team Fortress**

 **Chapter 1**

"Dammit!" the Soldier cursed as he was blown back by a bomb. "Curse you, Merasmus! You were the worst roommate anyone could have!"

"Does it really look like I care!?" Merasmus shouted back at the top of his voice. "Now, quiet down while I try to read this spell…"

It was that time of year again. The 31st of October, more commonly known as Halloween, was the day that, every year, Merasmus would decide to try to lay waste to Mann Co. again. However, this year, he came with an offering

Suddenly, a laser shot past Merasmus' head, just between the horns of his skull hat.

"Hold still, ya wanker!" Sniper shouted, as Scout ran past him.

"I got it, don't worry!" Scout said, as he threw his empty can of Bonk! on the floor, a thin red shadow now appearing behind him, as he grabbed his personally crafted scattergun, dubbed "Force-A-Nature", and ran for the wizard.

"Mmph mmmph!" added Pyro, running up with his flamethrower.

"Alright men!" said Soldier. "CHAAAAAA-"

"INCOMING!" said Heavy, running forward with "Sasha", his minigun, closely followed by Medic under Ubercharge.

Grenades flew past from behind them.

"Ach! This one's ours, lads!" said Demoman, wielding a classic Grenade Launcher.

"Hold on a minute! Where're Engie and Spy?" asked Soldier.

"Ah, they're probably having a spar in the building right now. They'll probably come out soon though," Sniper replied.

"Engie and Spy, having a Spar?" said Soldier, bemused. "That's as likely as me being a commie Nazi!"

"Mmph mmm mmphh mmmmph mmph mmmmmph," said Pyro.

"Oh, they've made a truce, have they? I seem to find that hard to believe…" said Soldier.

"Anyway, let's get back to the job at hand, shall we?" said Sniper.

"Affirmative!" said Soldier, holding up his "Black Box" rocket launcher. "Now, without interruption, CHAAAA-"

"Behold, fools!" boomed Merasmus. "The power of the Bombonom-OW! Who threw that!" he shouted in pain, as a frying pan flew through the air and hit him on the head.

"Shut it, you puny wizard!" said the soldier in defiance. "I'm trying to do my battle cry here!"

"A-anyway, behold the power of the Bombonomicon!" finished Merasmus.

"Yeah, yeah, alright, have some bombs, guys!" said Merasmus' book, jumping up into the air and launching bombs from its cover.

Pyro managed to airblast some of the bombs away, but some still got dangerously close to the team. While Scout was still running in circles around Merasmus, taking the occasional shot with his Scattergun, Soldier was firing rockets as fast as he could, Demoman was firing and detonating Sticky bombs faster than he could drink his scrumpy, Heavy was firing his minigun so fast he was being pushed back by the recoil, pocketed by Medic who was protecting him from extra damage with the Vaccinator, and Sniper was still cutting the occasional headshot.

Just when the fighting was at its thickest…

"Gentlemen! How are you all faring!" Spy said cheerfully.

"Howdy, y'all! What's going on?" Engineer followed.

"You two are a disgrace to uniform!" Scout admonished. "Need a Dispenser here, Engie!"

"Alright, alright…" sighed Engineer, pulling off his glove to reveal a completely prosthetic hand, which the Engineer called a "Gunslinger." Gathering up some metal off the floor, he had a fully functioning dispenser in less than 10 seconds.

"Alright, let's do this!" said Scout, after being completely healed by the dispenser, and running off.

"A thank you would do…" complained Engie.

"Well then…" said Spy. "Shall we?"

"Alrighty then!" agreed Engie, both of them taking out their weapons, Spy wielding a revolver, and the Engineer having a shotgun. The spy also held a golden pocket watch.

So saying, every member of the team began throwing everything they had at Merasmus, dodging as many bombs as they could. Pretty soon, they'd managed to knock him to the floor, where he lay still for a while.

"Mission accomplished!" said Soldier.

Everyone started cheering, even Spy. Only Engineer looked down at Merasmus' seemingly inert body and shook his head.

"I don't think it's over boys…" he said.

Unsurprisingly, as soon as he said this, Merasmus jumped up.

"Cower in fear! Merasmus is here!" he shouted. "Dimons- I mean, Dimensialis Par- I meant to say, Dimensialis Portalis Hysteri-"

He was cut short as he was slapped across the face by the Gunslinger of Engineer, leaving a nasty hand-shaped bruise on his face.

"Memorise your lines next time, Wizard boy," said Engie, shaking his head.

The spell Merasmus had chanted was still in his staff however, and all it needed was one little nudge.

Soldier stomped over to Merasmus and triumphantly put his boot on his skull hat.

"Take that, you filthy commie!" he said, nudging his foot against Merasmus' staff.

The green energy shot out from the tip of Merasmus' staff, and through a window in the building.

"Ah! That's where I keep the Teleporter!" said Engie, panicking.

"Cripe!" said Demoman.

"I… meant to do that…" said Merasmus, before passing out fully.

As the green energy bounced around Engie's workshop, it eventually made contact with the Engineer's teleporter, dislodging the Space Fluctuator, causing a gap in Space to be opened. At the same time, the teleporter exploded due to the power of the energy, causing the gap to expand until it reached the team.

"Damn it!" cursed Engineer. "The space fluctuator seems to have been dislodged from the teleporter! Everyone, grab onto something, or we may risk getting pulled into another dimension!"

"Merde…" Spy muttered.

Everyone grabbed onto anything they could in an attempt to withstand the powerful vacuum of the rip in space. That is, everyone except the Pyro, who seemed to be delighted by the sight of the gap. It had a strange purple colour to it. Expressing his joy, he forgot to hold on to something and was quickly pulled in, his cry of happiness lost to the rest of the team.

Soldier, meanwhile, had been trying to rocket jump away from the portal, but eventually the strength of the suction got too strong, and the only thing that was heard as he was pulled in was a cry of "AMERICAAAA!"

Medic's rubber gloves were proving to be unhelpful in gripping on to anything, and eventually he lost his grip on a lamppost he had managed to hold on to. As he was pulled in by the gap, he noticed what seemed to be a sea of blinking eyes amidst a purple background.

"Hmm… Interesting…" he said as he was pulled in.

Heavy, seeing his Medic comrade fall, started to panic. Holding on to his last hope, his Sandvich, he started to panic. His only worry was that the door he was falling behind was going to be sucked in too. However, this didn't seem too likely, so he started to relax slightly.

Demoman, meanwhile, had tried to stick himself to a wall with Sticky Bombs. It was proving successful, and he laughed slightly as he relaxed his sticky holder arm. Needless to say, he was surprised when he saw Heavy flying past, splinters of wood flying under him. Looking behind, he noticed Heavy seemed to have flown right through the door he was hiding behind. As Heavy neared the portal, he gave a cry of shock.

"Portal is full of eyes!" he managed to say before being sucked in.

"EYES!?" Demoman shouted in surprise, causing him to clench his hand into a fist. Unfortunately, this caused him to accidentally pull the trigger for his sticky launcher, thus detonating his sticky bombs and sending him flying into the gap.

"Bloody heeeeeeeeelllll!" he shouted as he disappeared as well.

Sniper hid in his favourite Sniping spot, which protected him from the strength of the suction. That was until a large boulder came flying in his direction, sucked in by the portal. Jumping out of the way, he managed to avoid the boulder, but he thus exposed himself to the suction of the portal. He sighed as he was sucked into the ever-growing gap.

Spy had managed to ram his Sharp Dresser knife into the railway tracks, and it didn't look like it was going to slip any time soon, so he relaxed slightly. He let out a sigh of relief, only to see a certain someone fly past. Although managing to run some distance, he could not keep up with the ever-growing portal, and eventually, Scout was dragged in. As he flew into the portal, he wondered if there were any hot chicks in this new dimension.

Engineer held on to his dispenser for dear life, but he could not keep his grip forever. He tried to increase the grip on his Gunslinger, but failed and was sucked into the gap, shaking his head solemnly. As spy saw his teammates fall into the hole, he sighed.

"Those simpletons…" he muttered. "Oh well, I guess it's my duty to go after them."

So saying, he retracted his knife, allowing for him to be sucked into the gap. He shook his head solemnly as he was pulled in.

Then, as all nine were sucked in to the portal, it dissipated, leaving an empty wasteland behind. Merasmus, meanwhile, seemed to have vanished, but whether he had been sucked in or had escaped was unknown. All that was left were the buildings that had once been there, a large hole in one, and the bright shining full moon.

Miss Pauling dropped her cheeseburger in shock.

"Helen?"

"Yes?" replied the administrator.

"Get Saxton. We're going to have to go do some search and rescue…"

Reimu Hakurei flew towards Mayohiga, spell cards in hand. She had seen the flashes of light in the sky earlier fall to the ground, and she was on her way to Yukari's house right now. Usually, flashes of light in the sky meant some kind of outsiders had entered Gensokyo, and since it was Yukari's job to take care of the Border between the outside world and Gensokyo, it would be an under-exaggeration to say Reimu was angry. Landing near Yukari's house, she stormed inside to see Ran sitting on the Kotatsu stroking a half-awake Chen who was smiling happily. When she heard Reimu enter the house, Chen opened one eye to see who it was, then closed it again and continued purring happily.

"What's the matter, Reimu?" asked Ran sweetly.

"Oh, nothing!" Reimu smiled back. "Except maybe for the fact that YUKARI'S MEANT TO BE LOOKING OVER THE BORDER!" she shouted, suddenly changing her tone.

Ran placed a finger to her lips.

"Shhh! You'll wake her up!"

"Who, Chen? I think she's placated enough, and it doesn't look like she'll be waking up from a little bit of noise."

"No, I mean Yukari-sama! It's winter, for gods' sake, she's hibernating! Give her a break!"

"In that case, why were the gaps the outsiders came through full of EYES!?"

"I DON'T KNOW, REIMU! CALM DOWN!"

"YOU CALM DOWN! I'M PERFECTLY CALM ALREADY!"

At this, Chen started to stir. Ran panicked and started to stroke Chen's head as calmly as she could, glaring at Reimu. Eventually, Chen fell back asleep.

"So, would you like some tea?" she said in a forced sweet tone.

 _Ten minutes later…_

Reimu and Ran were sitting at opposite ends of the Kotatsu, both with cups of tea in their hands. Chen was now running around outside chasing butterflies.

"So, you claim that gaps similar to Yukari's suddenly appeared in the sky and spat out some outsiders into random areas of Gensokyo?" Ran asked.

"Yeah, they seemed to be quite widely dispersed though," Reimu replied.

Ran nodded slowly.

"Anyway," continued Reimu, "How would gaps similar to Yukari's be able to appear if she was hibernating? I know by experience myself that nothing can break her out of hibernation."

"Well, the only thing I can think of is that someone stole her powers, stole her spellcards, copied her powers somehow or just happens to have the same powers as she does. Actually, did you alert people of this? It's your job as the Hakurei shrine maiden to either solve the incident yourself or tell someone else to spread the news."

"Well, I told Marisa to spread the news…"

"Sigh… You of all people should know that you can never trust Marisa…"

"Good point, Ran."

Ran merely shook her head solemnly.

 _Meanwhile, at the SDM…_

"Get back here you thieving witch!" shouted Koakuma as Marisa flew out of the Mansion on her broomstick. She was quickly followed by a barrage of danmaku and knives.

Marisa stuck her tongue out.

"Ha haa! You'll never hit me! You'll never catch me!"

Sakuya suddenly appeared by her side.

"Oh yes we will, witch," she said, slightly pissed off.

Marisa merely smiled and held up her mini-Hakkero.

"Bad move, maid," she said. "MASTER SPARK TO THE FACE!"

Unleashing the laser at Sakuya, she gained extra momentum from the blast, moving her away from the Mansion at sonic speed. Pretty soon, the laser depleted, and she was flying at normal speed again. Except Sakuya was no longer anywhere to be seen.

"Oh well. That gets her off my back at least…" Marisa said.

Flying at a leisurely pace now, she was surprised when she saw what seemed to be a young man face first in the dirt outside her house. He wore a cap and a headset, a red shirt, and had some kind of necklace around his neck. At least, she thought it was a necklace; it seemed excessively simple, and had two pieces of metal hanging off it, not something she would think of stealing. Shrugging, she decided to take him in and loot him properly while he was still asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Phantasmagoria of Team Fortress**

 **Chapter 2- Gensockeeoh**

 _Scout_

Scout woke up in an extreme amount of pain. Grunting, he sat up, realising he was on some kind of bed. Mattresses were thrown over me in a disorderly fashion, as if someone had just not cared and thrown them over him in a rush. He suddenly felt a chilling breeze around my head, and quickly realised his cap and headgear had been stolen.

"Aw, crap! What the frickin' hell is this!" he exclaimed.

He tried to lift his hands above his head when he realised they'd been tied behind his back. Sighing in annoyance, he did the only thing he knew he could in this situation. Taking in a deep breath, he let out a long shout.

" **MEDIIIIIIC!"**

Marisa had just returned home from a trip to Alice's house. Needless to say, she was quite beaten up.

"Ugh, I just don't understand it. Why does she beat me up every time I go to her house…" she muttered.

Suddenly, she heard the Scout's call.

"Ugh… what's wrong with him now? It's like there's twenty-eight-point-five-seven-one-four things wrong with him…" she sighed.

She recalled when she had tried to drag him back into her house and, somehow, while he was still sleeping, managed to grope her chest. She had slapped him across the face pretty hard, almost waking him up.

It seemed he was awake now, so she went back into her house to check on him. What she was greeted with was a very annoyed scout rolling around on the floor trying to undo the knot that tied his hands together. The bedsheets that she had carefully lain over him were all over the room, and the boy was making grunting noises, desperately trying to loosen the knot that held his hands together. Suddenly, he realised that Marisa had entered the room and immediately straightened up.

"U-uh, hey girl! Could you look away for a moment while I free myself in an act or courageous manliness?"

Marisa put her hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle.

"Well, if you're gonna free yourself like a man, you'd do best to not get captured by a girl first!"

"Hold on a minute: YOU were the one who tied me up? Wow, you must be some kinda strong girl!"

"You're damn right I am! One of the strongest in Gensokyo! Marisa the Magician!"

Scout paused for a moment.

"Hold on a minute, what's 'Gensockeeoh?'"

Marisa was a bit surprised at that, but immediately realised.

"Oh, you must be one of the flashes of light that fell out of the sky! No wonder you just fell in front of me! An outsider!"

"Hold on, what? The last thing I remember was getting sucked into that strange portal with eyes in it…"

"Hold on a moment, EYES!? That reminds me of a certain Gap Youkai…"

"Uh, what's a Yowk-eye? And you still haven't told me what Gensockeeoh is!"

"Gimme a moment… How about I go pour some tea and we sit down and have a little discussion about what exactly has happened."

"Ugh, tea… Fine, but could you at least untie me from these ropes first?"

"Sorry, no can do. I still don't know whether you're a threat or not."

"Ugh… Geez…"

Moments later, Scout was struggling to pick up a cup of tea with his teeth. He had tried to refuse, but Marisa had told him it was impolite to refuse a cup of tea. Sighing, and muttering something about Spy, which Marisa didn't hear, he had sat down.

"So, your name's Marisa, and you're a witch?"

Marisa nodded.

"Well at least you're not a wizard… I mean, what is Gensokyo anyway, and what are Youkai? I'm really dying to know!"

"That's very accurate to what you will be doing. Think of Youkai like your typical mythological creature, except more human-like in appearance: they'll have an almost human appearance, except for the addition of extra body parts sometimes, for example wings, and also possess the original monsters' powers and attributes. As for me, I'm just a normal human."

Scout still looked confused.

"What, so like a monster? Does that include flying eyes and books that shoot bombs?"

"…Have you encountered things like that in the outside world?"

"Yup. Stupid Wizard Merasmus and his crap magic…"

There was a long and awkward silence, which was interrupted by Scout.

"So, you like chicken?"

"You did NOT just call magic crap." Taking in a deep breath, she held what seemed to Scout to be a piece of paper. Only when she held it forward and it started to glow did Scout start to panic.

"H-hold on! What are you-"

"LOVE SIGN, MASTER SPAAAAAAARK!"

"And people thought I was too hyper…" Scout muttered. With his hands tied behind his back, he'd just managed to roll out of the way of the beam of light. It was still going, and didn't seem like it was stopping.

"Ugh, where's my Bonk…" he muttered, reaching for it in his bag. However, to his surprise, his bag was empty. Even his Scattergun, Bat and Ball had been taken.

Eventually, the laser died down, and Marisa was amazed to see the Scout still standing there.

"Hey, how'd you dodge that? Not many people can do that, I'm quite surprised!"

"Well, let's just say I'm fast, and I'm kinda used to dodging magic stuff… Damn that Wizard…"

"Oh, really? In that case, how about some more?" Marisa said, holding up another card.

"Woah, woah! I don't really think this is fair! All I can do is run around while you shoot at me! Plus, I don't even have my weapons!"

"Hmm… usually anything weapon-like that passes through the barrier will disintegrate, so it'd make sense that you don't have any weapons. Tell you what, do you remember the basic functions of your weapons?"

"H-huh? Of course, what kind of an idiot do you take me for?"

"Well, in that case, these should help."

She reached into her pocket and tossed him some blank cards. The only thing he could notice on the cards were a red-coloured rim.

"In this land, we use Spell Cards to battle. They channel the user's inner power and use it to form powerful attacks, be they magical or physical. Do you follow that?"

Scout nodded. "Although it still kinda sucks to have to use magic; we don't really have a good history…"

"Well, anyway… these are a special type of spell card. Usually, spell cards come with a set spell in them. However, since weaker youkai had a limited spellpool, they started to manufacture these cards, that automatically adjusted to the correct spell based on the user's inner power AND the situation they were in. Spell cards usually utilise a special type of glowing orb, bullet, spear or anything called Danmaku. Apparently, that means bullet hell, but…"

Scout looked at the cards, and, sure enough, the emblem of his class, the winged sneaker, was appearing on the back. Words were starting to form on the front too.

"Since you're pretty new to this, d'you wanna go outside and try them outside first before we have our duel?"

"Well yeah, sure. But, to be honest, I don't really feel like fighting a girl…"

"What, are you scared I'm gonna kick your ass?"

Scout immediately straightened up.

"Hell no! I'll be the one kicking your ass!"

"Well then, if you'd care to hurry up and test out your cards, I'd be more than happy to get this duel started! Just tell me when you're ready, I'll be waiting inside here."

As Scout walked outside, he realised that the words on the cards were constantly changing. He remembered what Marisa said.

"You should know the name of the weapon from the outside world you want to use. The first time you use it is the hardest; you have to visualise the weapon in your head first and think of the name of it. The card will automatically assign a spell type to it, and from then on you need to merely whisper or say the type of spell followed by the name to activate it. Of course, shouting makes it a lot more fun, but yeah."

Taking up one of the cards, he visualised his Sandman bat in his head, and sure enough, the words "Baseball sign: Sandman" appeared on the card he was holding. He took it out and whispered the words, and his trusty bat appeared in his hand. He decided to take a few practice swings. However, he noticed that where his bat travelled through the air, small red orbs would appear. He soon realised these were the "Dan-makoo" that Marisa had mentioned. He then quickly realised that when he pointed his bat forward, every bullet that had appeared in the air would fly forward as well. He realised it worked for whatever direction he pointed them in, too.

While testing out his guns, he realised that they never ran out of ammo. This meant he could continuously fire pellets forward with his "Winger", and not have to worry about his "Soda Popper" or "Force-a-Nature."

While he was utilising his new way of "Force-Jumping" he suddenly thought about the rest of his team. He felt a wave of maturity wash over him, and suddenly realised he had to go and find them. Sighing, he put away the cards and walked back into the house. Marisa looked up from the book she was reading.

"What, you ready?"

"Sorry, Marisa, we're gonna have to hold off the duel till later. I need your help with something."

"In that case, you've gotta help me first: I've done all this for you, and you won't even accept a duel!"

"I said I'll do it later… but go ahead, what do you need help with?"

"Well, I saw you running around outside, and you seemed to be pretty fast. In fact, I can only think of one person who's faster than you. That aside, are you good at taking-slash-stealing information?"

"Well yeah, it was kinda my job back in the "outside world" as you refer to it. Why?"

"In that case, your job's not over quite yet…"

Moments later, Scout stood on the edge of a forest, looking at an oddly red-coloured European-style Mansion. After not being able to find his headgear, he decided to go with a change of style. He tood out his sports headband from his bag, one of the only things that was left in there, and had combed his hair with one of Marisa's old combs to make it as spiky as his Boston Basher.

"Well, if it's for the team… let's go steal some books!"

 _A.N: That took way longer than it needed. At least it's over now._


End file.
